McCain Whips his own "You Know What" in Last Debate
A Disassociated Press Report, Hempstead, New York, October 17, 2008
By Eric Mader
Returning to his hotel last night after the final presidential debate with Democratic opponent Barack Obama, Republican nominee John McCain howled in distress upon seeing red stripes on his "you know what" in a bathroom mirror, according to campaign insiders.
"Senator McCain was confident he had beaten Hussein Obama this time," McCain aide Jeffrey Coonhunter said. "But it didn't turn out that way. We were saying goodbye to Cindy at the door when we heard the howl from the bathroom."
According to McCain campaign director Steve Schmidt, the senator hadn't noticed any pain on his way back to the hotel in the limo, and believed he'd actually won the debate.
"It was a surprise to all of us," Schmidt said. "He came away with red stripes all up and down his 'you know what.' It's the opposite of how we planned it."
On Sunday, McCain had promised to "whip [Obama's] you know what" in the final presidential debate.
"We really thought this time we'd be able to swiftboat Sheik Hussein," Schmidt said. "We planned to do it by mentioning a few scary people he'd met in the past and by repeating over and over 'He'll raise taxes, He'll raise taxes, He'll raise taxes.' But the way the scores are coming in-you'd almost think the American people aren't as stupid as we thought."
In the debate, McCain tried various tactics to get the upper hand, employing dozens of crabby smirks, petulant glares and schoolmarmy sneers, but his opponent remained unruffled.
It is still unclear how McCain plans to treat the lash markings on his "you know what," whether it be through a menthol rub, available at any pharmacy, or visits to upscale spas with Wall Street CEOs, available for John McCain and friends.
In another sign that the era of Republican swiftboat tactics is maybe at an end, several reports of sinking swiftboats on the Potomac have come in, crazed ideologues screaming in the inky dark as they sank.
The Disassociated Press--the "Golden Parachute" of News Services
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