(This unfortunate tale was written by the students in John Duncan class J229, including Gina, Sandy, Kenny, Hank, Cindy, Sarah, and Henry. Henry was earlier made famous by my tale about him, Bye, Bye, Henry!, and it is certain that he got some revenge on me by his ideas for this tale.)
In February Eric took a plane to visit his mother in Florida. He was very happy to go. But the plane left Taipei very early. Eric complained to the people at the airport.
“Eleven o’clock is not very early,” they said.
On the plane Eric saw a beautiful stewardess. He wanted to talk to her.
“Quiet, old man,” she said.
Eric was very sad. He started to drink whisky. Then he drank more and more. He became so sad that he finally decided to burn the plane. He ordered one more glass of whisky and tried to start it on fire with his lighter. The person in the seat in front of Eric leaned back to look at what he was doing, and the burning whisky spilled on Eric’s clothes.
Now Eric was on fire! He was shouting. The stewardess came and hit Eric’s head with a pan. Eric fell down, unconscious. They sprayed him with the fire extinguisher.
Five people worked together to lift Eric back into his seat. He woke up when the plane was landing.
Eric’s mother was happy to see him when he arrived in Florida.
“What’s that smell?” she asked him. “Is that a new cologne?”
“No,” Eric said. “It’s from the fire extinguisher.”
Eric’s mother cooked a big dinner for him. She made bug salad and rock soup. For the main course she had baked fat mice. And for dessert there was pig oil ice cream.
“You look too thin,” she said to Eric. “Here, have some more of these mice.”
“Delicious, Mom!” Eric said. “I love baked fat mice.”
One of the neighbors was at the dinner too. His name was Paul.
“So, Eric,” Paul said. “How is your life in Thailand?”
“I’m not in Thailand,” Eric said. “I’m in Taiwan.”
“Oh, Taiwan,” Paul said. “Isn’t that in Japan?”
Eric and Paul enjoyed the dinner very much.
The beaches in Florida are famous, and the next day Eric wanted to go swimming. But the beach was around twenty-five miles from the house, and Eric’s mother’s car was at the repair shop. Also there were no buses he could take to get to the beach and the neighbor Paul wouldn’t let Eric drive his Benz.
“I will hitchhike,” Eric said to his mother.
“Be careful, son,” she said.
Eric walked along the hot road for five hours. Many cars went by, but nobody stopped for him. The sun was very hot, and Eric was sweating and very thirsty.
Finally a fire truck stopped to pick him up.
“Hey! Get in!” the firemen said. “We need some help.”
The fire truck took Eric to a large cemetery and Eric helped the firemen put out a big fire there. After the fire was out, Eric asked the firemen: “Now can you take me to the beach?”
The firemen just kicked Eric and left. “We don’t like you,” they said.
Eric slept in the cemetery that night. The next morning he got up and hitchhiked for two more hours. At around 11:00 a garbage truck picked him up and took him to the beach.
Eric was very happy to be at the beach. He went into the locker room right away to change into his new swimsuit. He bought the suit the last time he took a trip to Japan.
But Eric’s swimsuit wasn’t really a swimsuit. It was a loincloth for sumo wrestling. It was white and it only covered the front.
Out on the beach Eric saw there were many beautiful women. Some were from Italy, some were from France, and some were from other countries. Eric was very happy to see them. A man told Eric that they were in Florida for a beauty contest.
Eric watched the women swimming and playing volleyball. He wanted to join their party, but he didn’t know how. He decided to pretend to be drowning. Then some girls would come to give him CPR.
Soon Eric was in the water yelling “Help! Help!” Three beautiful girls ran in to pull Eric out. They gave him CPR on the beach for fifteen minutes.
“Thank you!” Eric said to them finally. “You saved me! Where are you from?”
“We’re from Thailand,” said one of the girls with a man’s voice. “We are here in Florida for the Transvestite Beauty Contest.”
Eric was very confused. He didn’t understand what kind of beauty contest it was. So he stayed on the beach and drank lemonade with all the girls. He said: “So many beautiful girls! I am so lucky!”
Then they had the swimming race. The race was in the ocean. The race was for the transvestite girls, but they let Eric join because they thought he was very crazy and funny.
The first prize for the race was a Porsche sports car. The second prize was a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
Eric was very excited about the race because he knew he could win. He knew he would get the sports car!
There were five swimmers in the race. One girl was from Italy, one was from China, one was from Taiwan, one was from Thailand, and Eric was from America.
The swimmers went into the ocean and swam out to the place where the starting line was. A man in a boat had the pistol to start the race. Thousands of people were watching on the beach.
The man shot the pistol, and the swimmers crossed the starting line. The Taiwanese swimmer was in the lead. The Chinese swimmer was in second. Eric was last.
Then the big shark came. Because Eric was last, the shark saw Eric first. The shark ate one of Eric’s legs, but Eric kept swimming. He really wanted to win the Porsche!
The shark saw it was a swimming race. So after the shark ate Eric’s leg, it decided to swim to the finish line. It passed all the swimmers and won the race. The Taiwanese swimmer came in second.
They gave the Porsche to the shark. The shark was very happy and it put on some sunglasses and drove away in the new car. The Taiwanese swimmer got the Harley Davidson motorcycle. Eric lost the race, and the doctors had to help him with his leg.
“The race wasn’t fair!” Eric said. “The shark cheated. We have to race again.”
The doctors thought Eric was very foolish.
“Stop moving!” they said. “We are trying to fix your leg.”
Eric had some crutches and hitchhiked back to his mother’s house. Three days later he arrived at the door.
“Where is your leg?” Eric’s mother said.
“There was a swimming race, and a shark cheated,” Eric said.
Eric’s mother laughed.
“You are a very strange son,” she said. “But I still love you. Baked fat mice for dinner tonight!”
“Oh, great!” Eric said. “Thanks, Mom!”
Four days later Eric flew back to Taiwan. He saw the same beautiful stewardess on the airplane. But when she saw Eric, she quickly brought him a whisky with sleeping pills in it. Eric slept until the plane landed in Taipei.
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