Educated Residents Ordered to Evacuate before Palin Speech

 

A Disassociated Press Report, New Haven, Connecticut, September 13, 2008

 

by Eric Mader

 

U.S. Department of Education officials today ordered all educated residents of the city of New Haven to evacuate before a dangerous upcoming campaign stop by Alaska Governor and Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin.  Palin is scheduled to speak at 10:00 a.m. on Monday in the Connecticut town which is also the site of Yale University.

 

"All residents with higher degrees or who have otherwise been tested with an IQ higher than 95 are hereby ordered to leave town," Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said.  "The threat Palin's arrival poses to your mental health is very real, and it would be a serious mistake to think you can just hunker down and ride it out."

 

Political observers predict Palin's speech will bring "massive gusts of high-sounding folksy nonsense" as well as "blasts of hot air reaching speeds of up to 170 mph."

 

"We predict the seawall erected between church and state will easily be overtopped by Palin's surge of populist cant," Spellings said.  "We're looking at intellectual devastation such as the people of Connecticut have never experienced."

 

Many New Haven residents have already heeded the warnings.  Loading up his car with essentials, Professor Jeffrey Wills of Yale's Dept. of Economics explained why he wasn't taking any chances.

 

"I watched Palin's speech at the Republican National Convention," Wills said.  "Ten minutes into the speech and she was still introducing her family.  I couldn't believe it.  I expected her to address the issues and here it was like watching 'The Brady Bunch.'

 

"Then there was the thing about the pit bull.  Twenty minutes into the speech and I felt I was on a mental bridge to nowhere."

 

Wills has suffered after-effects from Palin's acceptance speech.

 

"I've had to go on medication," he said.  "I still can't get that twangy accent out of my head."

 

 

 

"Whaddya mean I'm not White House caliber?"

 

Yale psychology professor Doris Hawkens explains that the adverse affects of Palin's speeches on educated listeners are due to a variety of factors.

 

"Her speech manner is one issue, yes," Hawkens said, "but the main problem is the way she exudes such absolute confidence in her own rightness, as if she already had all the answers to everything.  Intelligent people aren't used to such things: they prefer thinking things through, discussion, process." 

 

Hawkens also thinks the timing of Palin's arrival on the national political scene may have particularly unfortunate affects on the nation's mental health.

 

"After 8 years of the Bush administration, the thought that this woman might actually get into the White House has many people traumatized.  I myself, well, I'm scared shitless."

 

Connecticut mental health officials have prepared for the eventually of residents not heeding the mandatory evacuation orders.  A special Palin Trauma Center is being set up at the Yale-New Haven Hospital and free sedatives will be handed out at libraries and book stores on the day of Palin's campaign speech.

 

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