DP Exclusive!!!

 

The Mayberry Street Memo

 

--Crucial Leaked White House Document--

 

---November 29, 2005,

A Disassociated Press Staff Report---

 

Just leaked White House transcript reveals contents of meeting between Bush, Cheney and the Lord God.  DP Exclusive.  Staff reporter Dave Murtha gives the background to the story.

 

By Dave Murtha

The Disassociated Press

 

On several occasions U.S. President George W. Bush has implied or stated outright that it was the Lord God who commanded him to wage war in Iraq.  In June of 2003, Bush was quoted at a meeting with Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas as saying:  

 

God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then He instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East.

 

Perhaps Bush meant to imply that if the Palestinians wanted any clout negotiating with Israel, they should trust in him, because his policy initiatives come direct from God.  Or perhaps he just meant to imply that he was in earnest, in which case he was using God as a sort of character reference to back up his own political agenda.

 

In any case, it is because of statements like this that Disassociated Press editor Eric Mader was led to speculate in a November 27th editorial that perhaps the Lord God is actually, literally, part of the Bush cabinet.  The editor wondered what divinely attended cabinet meetings might be like: 

 

Does the Lord always attend, or only for the important meetings?  Does He actually make His Face shown in the Oval Office, or does He join the meeting by speakerphone?

 

Now, because of a TOP SECRET White House transcript leaked to the Disassociated Press just yesterday, we have a better idea.  In fact the Lord God does speak directly to George W. Bush.  We now have a transcript of part of one of their meetings to prove it.

 

We at the Disassociated Press have agreed not to divulge the source of this transcript.   The person who sent it to us informed us that she was inspired to do so by Mader's editorial, by our high journalistic standards, and by "a desire to make the Lord's truth fully known."  She also informed us that she had photocopied "as much of [the transcript] as possible under the circumstances." 

 

In echo of the important Downing Street Memo, leaked to the British Press and revealing much about the lead up to the Iraq war, we've decided to call this new document "The Mayberry Street Memo."  It makes for chilling reading indeed.

 

*     *     *

 

The Mayberry Street Memo

 

Bush Cabinet Meeting of October 3rd, 2005

 

Transcript of Oval Office Meeting of October 3rd, 2005

 

Attending: President George W. Bush; Vice President Dick Cheney; the Lord God

 

Transcript begins:

 

[Female voice over intercom]: Mr. President, the connection is open.

 

GEORGE: Thank you, Theresa.  Please connect us. . . .  Lord?

 

LORD [voice coming through intercom]: Good morning, George, Dick.

 

GEORGE / DICK: Good morning, Lord.

 

LORD: I called this meeting to discuss a few recent issues with you.

 

DICK: Lord, if I may, this is now the third time this year You've called one of these unscheduled meetings--

 

GEORGE: Dick!

 

DICK: . . . and I don't know how things are up there, but we really have a lot on our hands down here, so I'm wondering--

 

LORD: You needn't continue, Dick.  I know what's on your mind, and that's the very reason I sometimes call these meetings.

 

GEORGE: Dick, how could you!

 

DICK: Well, He's always giving us these counterproductive directives, and I think recently we've got enough to worry about without--

 

LORD: If occasionally you would follow My directives, Dick, you might find they are not so counterproductive as you think.

 

DICK [groaning]: Now I suppose He's gonna start on about Fallujah again.  Really I don't think--

 

GEORGE: Dick, please! . . .  We are here to serve you, Lord.  What is Your will?

 

LORD: Fallujah is by no means a small issue.  You don't realize how much ground you lost when you ignored My instructions to approach--

 

DICK: Listen, we only started this war because of Your original directive.  Now I think it's about time You let us deal with the strategy of fighting it on our own.

 

LORD: I really should cut off these meetings, you two.  If ever there was a case of throwing pearls before swine. . . .

 

GEORGE: Please, Lord.  Please.  Dick is just under a lot of pressure with this Plame business.  He doesn't mean to show such disrespect.  Do you, Dick?

 

LORD: You know what I told you, George, about mentioning this nonsense regarding my supposed "directive" to launch the war.

 

GEORGE: Yes, Lord.

 

LORD: I will not stand for it any more.  Not a bit of it.  So I will say it just one more time--and this will be the last time.  Do you hear me?

 

GEORGE: We hear you, Lord.

 

LORD: On that day of June 2, 2002 I never said the words "invade Iraq."  What I said was "invite Chirac."  If you look at the transcripts of the meeting you will see that we were talking about which heads of state might profitably be invited to your ranch, George.

 

GEORGE: We were, Lord.  That was the subject.

 

LORD: And in the middle of that conversation I said the words "invite Chirac."

 

GEORGE: You did, Lord.

 

LORD: And in fact, as you both know, that is even how My words were quoted in the original transcript of the meeting.  You both know this is true.

 

DICK: We've been over this.

 

LORD: So we've been over it.  Yes, we have.  And I don't want to go over it again.  So let Me just ask you, let Me ask you, Dick--  Why is it that Donald is no longer allowed to attend our meetings?  Can you tell Me?

 

DICK [groaning]: Ohhh. . . .  This is insane!  We're wasting our time here!

 

LORD: Do you remember, Dick?

 

GEORGE: Answer the Lord's question, Dick.

 

DICK: Why do I have to answer it when we all already know the answer?  For Chrissakes!

 

GEORGE: Dick! 

 

LORD: Do you know Who you are referring to when you say that, Dick?  When you say for Chrissakes and all the other things you say?

 

GEORGE: I'm really surprised at you.

 

DICK: C'mon, George.  I mean--we're just wasting our time here!  We've got a war to run!

 

GEORGE: The Lord asked you a question, Dick.

 

LORD: Answer Me, or these meetings will be no more.

 

[twelve seconds of silence]

 

GEORGE: Dick, please!  Answer Him!  We'll lose the blessing!

 

DICK: Oh, alright!  I'll answer Him. . . . The reason Donald can't attend these meetings any more is because he modified the June 2nd meeting transcripts to say "invade Iraq" instead of "invite Chirac."  That's the reason.  There.  Can we get on with it now?

 

LORD: He actually dared modify My Holy Words, Dick. 

 

GEORGE: Shameful.  It was a shameful thing to do.

 

LORD: But you, Dick, you still seem to think that he could have gotten away with it--that he could have done it without My ever knowing.

 

DICK: I never said that.

 

LORD: What you don't seem to understand is that I can see into the hearts of men.  I know what's in their hearts and I know what they will do even before they do it.

 

GEORGE: We are in awe of Your great power, Lord.

 

LORD: Oh, cut it out already, George!  This preacher boy act of yours is really too much sometimes!  You shouldn't be so righteous about this whole affair either, you know. 

 

GEORGE: Lord?

 

LORD: You yourself approved Don's plan and thought I wouldn't know about it if you and he just discussed it in whispers.  You think My ears aren't good enough to hear you two whispering?  What do you think, George, that this is some kind of summer camp where you can horse around after bedtime as long as you do it quietly?  I am not a camp master, George.  I am the Lord God Almighty!

 

GEORGE: I'm truly sorry about what we did.

 

LORD: I forgive you, George.  I forgive you because I am a merciful God, and because at least you know how to speak to Me with some respect.  But as for you, Dick, . . .

 

[transcript ends]

 

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