A Disassociated Press Report, May 27, 2005, Guantanamo, Cuba
By Al Alonzo
After a thorough investigation, the Army announced today it was issuing special Koran Protective Packs (KPP) to all prisoners at its Guantanamo base.
"The KPP should make it transparently clear to the International Red Cross ("sunvabitches" the representative was heard to mutter under his breath) that all measures possible are being taken to assure complete respect for religion at all army bases."
Even if a prisoner is thrown violently against a wall or collapses on the floor after the maximum permitted 36-hour interrogation, the Koran will not physically touch the floor, thanks to the KPP's extra sturdy propylopropane case. Should interrogators be forced to strangle the prisoner under interrogation, their hands cannot touch or damage the Koran which remains securely attached to the throat inside its KPP by means of a leather dog collar with studs.
Furthermore, the thick plastic casing will ensure that, even if a very large Marine takes a dump on top of a detainee's head, no feces will actually come into contact with the sacred texts, nor will any water enter the Koran pack if the prisoner's head needs to be washed off in the toilet.
"Gentlemen," said Capt. Irving Dorkman, "in my three years of duty at this base, not a single Koran has drowned in a toilet, even though I have personally held down seven of our nastiest little hadjis until they sputtered and begged for a little Babo."
"As a matter of fact," one off-duty interrogator was heard to remark, "we can pour lighter fluid over one of those little rugheads and serve up detainee flambee without ever igniting the Koran itself."
We have been able to determine that, even during the most intensive Scorpions' Prowl interrogations, reserved for ghost detainees of special interest, no scorpions are ever known to have entered the KPPs, at least not while the detainee was being processed.
The Waco plant of Halliburton Kellogg Root announced plans to immediately begin manufacture of another 100,000 KPPs for use in Iraq and Afghanistan, thanks to their stellar service in Guantanamo.
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