Al Qaeda Stalks Apple for Jihadist Market Share
A Disassociated Press Report, September 8, 2007, Kabul, Afghanistan
by Saumon Pressemeurt
Trying to catch the wave generated by Apple's new iPhone, al Qaeda yesterday launched its new jPhone in three different Mideast trouble spots. The jPhone, short for "jihadPhone," went on sale simultaneously in Gaza City, Baghdad, and Kabul, in a move widely acclaimed as a major step forward for the outlawed terrorist organization.
"The jPhone is the new hot item for the young jihad set," said Ayman al-Zawahiri in a video shown on the al Jazeera network.
Zawahiri is believed by most experts to be the brains behind al Qaeda's new market savvy approach, of which the jPhone is the current main thrust. Zawahiri's earlier project to create a popular all girl band, a "Jihadist Spice Girls," is now widely seen as a failure.
In the recent video, the senior Qaeda figure claimed the new jPhone had all the features of Apple's iPhone, but offered certain extras.
"Though the infidel iPhone screen rotates satanically so that it can be read no matter how you hold the device, the jPhone screen always orients toward Mecca, praise be to Allah," Zawahiri said. "You will be turned toward the holy city whenever you surf the web or make a call."
The chart failure of their all girl band Hajibb has not discourage al Qaeda in their
push for hearts and minds. The jPhone was launched yesterday in three locations.
Another touted jPhone plus was what the Qaeda marketing campaign called "burqa block3." The new software feature caused a buzz among young extremists waiting to buy the phone in the Afghan capital.
"With the jPhone, you can surf the Internet just like with the iPhone," said 19-year-old Abdullah Wali, who'd waited in the heat and dust of a Kabul street for three days to get his phone. "But with the jPhone, whenever there's a web page showing a woman, the software will automatically cover her over with a burqa. That's so cool I almost can't believe it."
The feature expected to make the new phone a must have purchase for young jihadists was not burqa block, however, but the phone's built-in explosive device.
"You can set your phone's own martyrdom PIN," Zawahiri said in the al Jazeera video. "No matter where your mission takes you, just type in your PIN and the phone will instantly explode. The blast is guaranteed to take out both you and at least six or seven others next to you, praise be to Allah."
Many early purchasers were enthusiastic about the explosive function.
"No more wearing this clumsy thing around," said Abdul Rahman, lifting his jacket to show a traditional explosive belt around his waist. "I'll just casually take out my jPhone, punch in my PIN, and BANG, it's me and a hundred virgins in the gardens of Paradise."
Other jihadists weren't so impressed.
"Only six or seven victims?" queried one participant in an online forum. "They need to improve the technology. I think most of us wouldn't mind a bit more weight on our phone if we could take out a few more Jews or Americans when we go."
Though sales were high the first day, some buyers complained about the phone's functioning, and at least one martyrdom was reported to have gone awry.
"He ruined his knapsack and got some burns up his left arm," said a cousin of one would-be martyr who was being treated in a West Bank hospital.
Most complaints, however, concerned the burqa block software, which some buyers claimed was not as effective as the al Qaeda video suggested.
"I was trying to do an Internet search on 'plastic explosives,'" said an Afghan buyer, "but I accidentally typed in the words 'steamy teen action' instead. Some of the pictures that came up on the screen were not properly covered over by the burqa. I saw things that only evil infidels would look at, and the satanic demons of the infidel web pages possessed my mind. I couldn't put down the phone for almost an hour. I still feel dirty all over."
Al Qaeda could not be reached for comment.
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton in a popular
L.A. club, as viewed using Al Qaeda's new jPhone.
This page is at http://www.necessaryprose.com/