The John Edwards Genetic Conspiracy:

A North Carolina Republican Reveals the Truth about Kerry's Running Mate

 

August 10, 2004

 

Readers:

 

Perhaps we have been wrong to see the Bush team as the most serious threat to American freedom in this new century.  If the allegations in the following letter are true, there may be a greater menace brewing in our country.  We will be looking into this further.

 

Eric Mader

Editor in Chief

Manhattan Reichstag Review

 

 

My Neighbor John Edwards

 

I'd like to introduce you to my neighbor. I'm from Raleigh, North Carolina, and for several years I've lived around the corner from vice-presidential candidate John Edwards. My neighbor John has been in the news a good deal lately, but it's hard to tell about the man himself from the coverage. Maybe I can help you get to know him better.

 

Even several years ago, before he was elevated to the national stage, my neighbor John didn't socialize much with other neighbors. He didn't gather with other neighbors at the Fourth of July and he didn't come out to the sledding hills to watch the kids play after a snow. My neighbor John preferred to jog through the neighborhood by himself.  We mostly saw him when he was jogging.

 

There's no sidewalk on Alleghany Drive, John's street in Raleigh, and if you drove past him as he was jogging on the road and didn't slow down enough for his taste he'd flip you the bird. Even after he became a U.S. Senator, he'd still come home to Raleigh every once in a while, would still jog through the neighborhood, and would still flip the occasional bird to passing cars.  One of the last times he showed me his middle finger while jogging was about four years ago. Since then, he is rarely in town. When he is home, though, we in the neighborhood all know it.

 

My neighbor John invited reporters from TV, radio, and print news organizations to come to his house in January 2003 for the announcement of his presidential bid. He didn't want any news vans parked on his property--in fact, he made sure all the cameras and reporters waited in the street at the bottom of his driveway.  That way everyone could get good footage of him strolling down the driveway to make his announcement, young children in tow. So the news vans drove into the yards of other people in the neighborhood and parked there. I heard two families ended up re-sodding their damaged yards, and John never apologized to anyone, much less offered any compensation. Families who live next to my neighbor John have since put up posts at their property line to try to keep that sort of thing from happening again.  The result was that when news vans had no space to park on the street they ended up occasionally trying to park on John's property.  Well my neighbor John wouldn't tolerate that, even though it was his own political career they were trying to cover, so he built a high security fence around his property, an electric fence, with a gate on his driveway.  My "Democratic" neighbor John lived in his house like in a castle with a moat.

 

Many of us in the neighborhood protested the electric fence because we understood it was a hazard to the community.  What if children were to touch it while playing?  But my neighbor John didn't care about that: he didn't even respond to the letter of complaint we put in his mailbox.  One time as I was walking my dog past his house I looked up from the street and there he was standing in a second-floor window looking out.  He flipped me the bird, then closed the curtains as he stepped back from the window.

 

It was only when CNN did an interview with some of the neighbors about the electric fence and John's all-around neighborliness that he decided to try to improve his image in the community.  A bad image in his home community could tarnish his national image, you see.  So once in awhile, when he made it to town, he would have "community youth meetings" at the high school with groups of high school students to discuss civics issues.  His campaign people presented this as an example of how, even though John was so busy with his presidential campaign, he still cared too much about his own community not to spend time there.  I think it was after the third such meeting with the high school students that my neighbor John decided from then on to hold the meetings in his house.  So the cars would come with the kids in the early evening and drop them off, and John's electric gate would open and the kids would go in for pizza and a discussion of "civic values."  But then it turned out--a strange coincidence it was--that two of the girls who were going to the meetings were pregnant.  And then a third was discovered to be pregnant.  And then a fourth.  Finally the meetings stopped when a local newspaper did a story on this "strange coincidence." 

 

It was about this time that my neighbor John began to remodel the outside of his house, if remodeling is the right word here.  He surfaced the whole thing with stone and refashioned the windows in a kind of Gothic style.  It was very strange and didn't fit in at all with the neighborhood. And on the side where the bedroom presumably was, my neighbor John erected a large round tower with a crenellated top, like on a castle.  When he was in town, he would sometimes stand up on his tower looking around with binoculars.  None of us in the neighborhood knew what he was looking for.  If anyone passed or any cars went by while he was out on his tower he would flip them the bird.

 

Finally the four local high school girls who had become pregnant during the time of the "civics classes" came due. It was a strange thing noted in the community that all four gave birth to boys.  But stranger still was that only a few months after their birth, all four of these "boys" had already grown up to look like 17 or 18-year-olds.  Of course a journalist from the main local paper covered this bizarre story.  How could it be so?  It was medically impossible.  What had actually happened?  Could it really be true that these 17-year-olds were the same people as the babies that had just been born, or was it just some kind of hoax? 

 

The mothers of these boys all swore they were their children, that it was not a hoax, but then the mothers themselves could not explain what was going on.  And soon after the first articles appeared, the journalist who was covering this story was found dead in a field outside town.  It seems he shot himself, or at least that is what the official investigation claims.  And for some reason nobody after that looked into the real story of these odd boys who were growing so fast.

 

At that time I would see the boys around town now and then.  They often hung out together.  And I can vouch for what many other neighbors say too. Those boys look exactly like miniature versions of my neighbor John.  They are short in the same way, they have the same face and the same smile.  They are obviously John's children. But how could it be?

 

It is commonly known that John's brother-in-law works for Corell Genetics, a bio-research company.  Corell claims to be working on medical applications of genetic research.  Many of us in the community at that time began to speculate that maybe there was some kind of genetic experiment going on, and that this was the reason for the strange growth of those four boys.  But the fact is that since the "suicide" of the journalist most of the people in our town have been afraid to question this situation too closely.

 

All of this was how things stood several months ago.  Since then everything has become more serious, and I for one am very surprised that the major media are not covering what is going on here.  There is some kind of media blackout: that is obvious.

 

My neighbor John has bought out the house next door and expanded his property.  His own house was made larger and the castle renovations have continued.  There is now a helicopter pad on top of the structure that he built where the neighbors' house used to be. I myself once saw a helicopter land and John Kerry get out.  Waiting for him on the roof were my neighbor John and various young men in black shirts.  My neighbor and the young men saluted Kerry as he came out of the helicopter and then all of them went inside.

 

But this is not the scariest thing.  The scariest thing has to do with those four "sons".  Did I say four?  Somehow there are now almost forty or fifty of them in town, all nearly identical and all looking about 17 or 18 years old.  Of course all of them look a lot like my neighbor John, but nobody dares any more to even mention this.  These "sons" hang out in groups and salute each other, and they have also taken up jogging.  They are everywhere on the roads jogging, whether day or night, and when you pass one in your car they always flip you the bird.  The other day I was in the parking lot by the Walmart and saw one running in one direction and one in the opposite direction on the same road.  They were running toward each other, but still about a hundred yards apart.  Then a car passed.  Of course they both gave the car the bird as it passed and then both, as they passed each other, saluted.  It was a very sickening sight.

 

As I write this I am sure there is not a single stretch of any road anywhere near our town that does not have at least one of these "boys" jogging on it.  Nobody in this town knows what to do, nor do any of us know exactly what is going on.  Every day there are more helicopter landings at my neighbor John's house-really it has become more like a fortress now--and every day there seem to be more of these boys.  Why the media doesn't cover this I have no idea.  Is this even America any more?  Is this the new Democratic Party?  Does it have something to do with Kerry's support of stem cell research?  All I know is that things are very strange around here, and that I am certainly voting for George W. Bush in November.  I only hope this story will get out in time to convince other Americans of what it might mean to have Kerry and Edwards in the White House. 

 

Anonymous

Raleigh, North Carolina

August 5, 2004

 

[This is certainly a frightening letter. Well, to tell the truth, this isn't the exact text of the letter as we received it. The real letter, written by a real North Carolina Republican, begins with John Edwards' bird-flipping, goes through Yardgate (where the media vans damaged the neighbors' lawns), and then goes on to cast aspersions on Edwards' work as a lawyer. So we've changed the second half of the letter somewhat, made it more colorful.  In truth, John Edwards probably has as much connection to cloning as Saddam's Baathists had to Al Qaeda.  Which is to say: there is certainly enough of a connection there to make a viable case that Edwards is a threat to America.  And this is precisely the point: John Edwards is a menace to our country and the world.  He is a man who must be dealt with, sooner rather than later.  This letter from his neighbor--first-hand testimony mind you--proves it.  It would be irresponsible of us to let this menace grow.  Vote Bush in 2004, and keep the bird-flipping joggers from spreading all over this great land. --E.M.]

 

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