DV-8: From Genesis 51

(Warren and Gobshite Translation)


Yahweh did not plant a garden in the plot behind DV-8, for nothing was planted there.  And the land of that plot stretched forth in mud and occasional sprouting weeds, and cigarette butts did scatter over the land.  And one could see the plot from the window by the urinal, and the plot did stretch forth under the dull glow of the streetlight.  And Yahweh saw that it was barren, and good for nothing.


In DV-8 did the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, and Arvadites come to drink their beer.  There did they gather to drink.


And Cathy did serve the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, Arkites, Sinites and Arvadites.  Them did she serve the beer that they drank.  And the Arkites, Amorites, Jebusites and Sinites did tip the bar.  But the Girgashites, Hivites and Arvadites did not tip her.


And Cathy did complain to Yahweh of the Girgashites, Hivites and Arvadites. 


And Cathy said: "Whence do they all come to me, to buy my drink and slobber on the wood, but never do they put a dollar in the glass?  How long shall I suffer the Girgashites, Hivites and Arvadites to buy my drink?  And when will they return to their lands?"


And she said: "The Arkites, Amorites, Jebusites, and Sinites do show right proportion.  For they spend freely on drink, and occasionally do they tip us who serve them the drink."


And Yahweh heard Cathy's complaint.  And Yahweh did bless the Arkites, Amorites, Jebusites, and Sinites.  But the others he did not bless.  And they did suffer grievous hangovers.


And John the Hittite did play the best music in DV-8.  And Wednesday night would he bring forth from his own collection, and he would play.  And the heavy notes of blues and deep solid guitar licks did fill the place.  And nowhere was to be heard the light dribbling piss of pop. 


And none dared rebuke John the Hittite for the music he did play.  For if one should rebuke him, John the Hittite would smite him.  For John the Hittite smote many a whiner in his youth.  And thus it is said: Many a whiner was smote by John, but rarely a man was smitten by the women in DV-8.


And the Hivites and Arvadites did play billiards in the basement of DV-8.  And the urinal did have a screen that pulled shut for the modesty of the Amorites.  But the Jebusites, Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites and Arvadites did have no modesty; and they did show forth their members freely to all who would look.


And one day it happened that Daniel the Arkite was found in the plot of barren land.  And he was upside down and sorely drunk.  And he did say: "Who hath put me thus in the plot of land, to be thus upside down and sorely drunk?  And to have thus mud and a cigarette butt on the side of my face.  Who hath done this deed to me?"  And no man did admit it, but all said that he had put himself in the plot of land, and was himself upside down there, having been put there by no man.


And Daniel the Arkite did curse the men of DV-8, saying: "The Arkites and Amorites and Sinites and Arvadites are gobshites.  How long shall I listen to their slobber over the wood, before I piss off from this place?"


And the men of DV-8 did openly mock at Daniel the Arkite.  For he did curse the Arkites among the others; but he himself was of the Arkites.


And one day did Niall the Sinite stride across the plot of barren land.  And under his foot did he trod the cigarette butts and the mud.  And the sprouting tufts did not set his heart mourning; but he did stride forth.


And Niall the Sinite did set forth from his homeland in DV-8.  And Yahweh considered it righteousness in him.  And Niall the Sinite with his brother Jason the Sinite did establish their seed in a new land, and the seed did flourish, and Yahweh considered it righteousness in them.


And the Flood did come, and the heads of those that did peep above the water were fewer than the heads of those that sank.  And mud was all over the place, and the Girgashites, Hivites, Gobshites and Arvadites did wail grievously unto Yahweh, but He paid them no heed.  As to the Arkites, Amorites, Jebusites, and Sinites, when the Flood did come they found themselves living in fifth floor apartments or higher, for Yahweh had seen to it that they should stay dry.


And Cathy did venture forth on the waters of the Flood.  And she did find herself adrift over the place of six ploughshares.  And lo, when the waters did recede, a pub was brought forth.  And Cathy did name that pub Bob Wun Daye, which being interpreted means No problem.  And the walls of that place were not hung with tattered banners, and the air there did not smell of locker rooms; neither did the Arkites, Amorites, Jebusites and Sinites slobber on the wood; but Yahweh did bless that place.





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