The New U.S. Declaration of Independence
--inspired by the leadership of our
current president, George W. Bush--
We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Empire, establish our unerring Righteousness, ensure domestic Security, promote economic Growth, and secure the blessings of captive world markets for our Corporations, do ordain and establish these new Principles of the Independence of the United States of America.
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When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds and treaties that previously connected it to the rest of the world; and when this one people must assume a new position not merely among the world's powers, but rather above them, a decent respect for this new transcendent Power requires that the world's peoples submit by recognizing its true Righteousness.
We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Americans are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights; that among these are cheap fuel prices and freedom from the laws and standards that govern the world's lesser peoples. These unalienable Rights inhere in each American because of the providential will of God, who chose Americans for his special Providence. The history of the latter years of the previous century is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations of these American Rights, all having as direct object the establishment of unacceptable limitations upon us and upon our right to use our military and economic power as we see fit. Having long suffered such presumptuous incursions upon our natural liberty, we choose now to make known to the world our new intentions and demands.
We declare our independence from the United Nations. The United Nations has proven itself to be a nefarious body of communists and foreigners of all stripe, a polyglot nest of negotiators and appeasers that on numerous occasions has arrogantly refused to recognize our transcendent right to determine its decisions beforehand. We thus hereby declare our independence from all decisions or resolutions this body may henceforth make. Further, we command that the United Nations remove its headquarters from our great city of New York and relocate itself to some lesser, third-world nation like France.
We declare our independence from all international treaties regarding human rights. In particular, we reject the limitations imposed by the Geneva Conventions, and shall no longer be subject to them. The Geneva Conventions are acceptable to abide by when the security of lesser nations is threatened by war, but when the United States itself is threatened, God's own country, such Conventions can have no binding power. (Note: As Americans, we necessarily find torture inhuman and abhorrent. Our principles are fixed firmly against torture, as we find it a barbaric practice under any circumstances. That we may use torture ourselves is irrelevant. As citizens of the United States, we must not be judged by our actions, but by our transcendent Principles, which were given to us directly by God, who speaks to us during both our waking and sleeping hours.)
We declare our independence from any International Criminal Court as might be established by the lesser nations. As Americans, we shall under no circumstances suffer being called before any international court for war crimes or crimes against humanity. If the legislators and people of the world will consider rightly, they will see that it is absurd even to imagine that Americans might be called before such an international body. After all, the idea of an American committing a war crime is a contradiction in terms. Because we Americans are truly an extension of the Providence of God, anything we may do in times of either war or peace can only be Justice itself. And so it must be judged.
We declare our independence from international laws and standards regarding the waging of war. It has long been a tenet of international relations that a just war may only be defensive: i.e., that any nation attacking another that has not first attacked it shall be considered to be undertaking an illegal war and shall thus have broken the peace. We declare our independence from this overly pacific standard, and we declare further our support for a new Doctrine: the Bush Administration's Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War. Under this new doctrine we reserve the right to make war on any nation we believe may pose an eventual threat to the United States. Any such war we may declare shall be considered legal according to our Doctrine. The threatening state need not pose a present threat and we need not prove that a threat is there: the burden of proof shall be fully satisfied by our leader's assertion that there is a threat. (Note: Although we Americans may wage war on the basis of this new Doctrine, the governments of the lesser nations shall not presume to call forth this Doctrine in justification of their wars. There are three reasons for this. First: The inherent value of American lives, their special value in God's plan, means that extraordinary measures are always justified in defending Americans. The bombing of a foreign city and any civilian casualties that may result is a small price to pay if it may defend even one American from potential harm. Second: If the lesser nations make use of this Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War, they are likely, in their natural irresponsibility, to abuse it. For example: it could easily happen that some leader of some lesser nation may declare war merely for political or economic reasons, only to gain control of some enemy nation's resources, and not truly for purposes of self-defense. Such a leader might then exaggerate the threat posed by the nation he seeks to attack, thus justifying a war that might not be justified on the basis of self-defense alone. Third: If other nations in the world begin to invoke this Doctrine as justification for war, it will very possibly lead to a general state of war and mayhem. For this third reason it is far safer for the other nations if the Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War is reserved for the use of the United States only.)
We declare our independence from all such international treaties as may seek to remedy the problem of global warming. It is commonly known that we as Americans, though making up only five percent of the world's population, must every year consume twenty-five percent of the world's oil. This consumption is natural to us, it is our God-given right, and it will continue regardless of the weak and nagging complaints of scientists and environmentalists. The weight of science must be judged lacking when balanced against an inalienable God-given right. And God has given us our Consumption habits, He has created the SUV and bequeathed it unto us as our due, He has at every turn ensured that we should refrain from developing viable public transportation. If God established it thus, what are men to declare it otherwise? Furthermore, the SUV remains an important part of our domestic auto industry, and second to the will of God we Americans must heed the dictates of our Economy. Any infringements on our oil Consumption are thus un-American, un-Christian, and economically unwise. We therefore declare our independence from the environment and any changes in Consumption it may vainly seek to dictate.
We hold these truths to be self-evident because we say them. In this principle of truth-telling--the self-evident truth of the things we say--we follow our President, who likewise establishes the truth of statements on the sole basis of his having said them. To take only one recent example of the application of this Principle: Having exhaustively considered the pertinent records, the recent 9-11 Commission declared there had never been any active connection between Saddam Hussein's Iraq and Osama bin-Laden's al Qaeda. After the commission announced its findings to the world, our president declared before news cameras: "The reason I said there was a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda is because there was a connection." This is as it should be: our president has no need of mere evidence to support his statements. The very fact that an American--if he is a patriotic and right-thinking American--says something is evidence enough for its truth. And so we repeat: We hold these truths to be self-evident because we say them.
We thus declare our Independence from all that would try to hinder us, whether it be presumptuous foreigners or the environment, whether it be human rights or the weight of evidence. As Americans we are independent, and shall no longer suffer to be imposed upon.
Ricardo "Speedy" Gonzales
Hannibal Dislector Hannin
The Right Honorable John Arsecraft
Ariel "the Pear" Sharon
Leo Strauss and 72 bright students
The Halliburton Corporation
Jesus of Nazareth [signature offered via power of attorney by P. Robertson]
George Bush, Sr.
The page Malvolio
The ranch hands Rick, Thomas, Enrique
The ranch bartender Al
Jenna and Barbara Bush
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